How to Handle Jealousy at Holiday Gatherings After Baby Loss
If you're dreading the holidays this year, you’re not alone.
For many moms who have lost a baby, family gatherings aren’t joyful, they’re triggering. Maybe you’re sitting there while a baby gets passed around the room. Maybe someone is joking about sleepless nights or delivery stories while you're silently aching for the one story you never got to finish.
It’s a pain that’s hard to explain. And even harder to carry while trying to smile and “be happy” for others.
Let’s talk about it.
The Heartbreaking Reality of Triggers During the Holidays
One of my clients once told me about sitting at her sister-in-law’s Christmas gathering, just months after losing her baby. The family passed around the new baby like a party favor. They swapped pregnancy stories, birth stories, sleepless night stories all while she sat silently, grieving the story she never got to tell.
She walked out of that room feeling invisible.
And the pain from that day stayed with her for a long time.
Maybe you’ve had a moment like that. Or maybe you’re bracing for one this year.
Let me gently remind you: you don’t have to go through that without a plan.
Jealousy Isn’t a Character Flaw — It’s Grief
The feelings that show up in these moments — jealousy, resentment, anger, guilt — they don’t make you a bad person.
They make you human.
You can love your sister. You can be happy that her baby is healthy. And you can still feel angry that your baby isn’t here. Both things can be true at the same time.
Because seeing someone else with their baby isn’t just a reminder of what you lost. It’s a reminder of what you’ll never get to have with your baby. And that truth cuts deep.
The Holidays Magnify Grief
Everything feels louder during the holidays. Family gatherings are full of babies, pregnant bellies, baby talk — and all the triggers you’ve spent the rest of the year trying to avoid.
Comparison sneaks in.
You start asking, “Why not me?”
“Did I do something wrong?”
“Am I being punished?”
“Will I always feel this way?”
I wish I could say those questions go away completely. But even now — decades later — they still pop up sometimes. The difference is: I’ve learned how to talk myself back from the edge.
And you can, too.
You’re Not Wrong to Avoid Triggers
Many of the moms I work with choose to skip family events, baby showers, or other gatherings entirely.
And that’s okay.
You don’t owe anyone your presence. Not this year. Not ever — if it costs you your emotional safety.
If there’s going to be a baby there and you know it’s going to hurt — skip it. If you’re not ready to hear about first steps and feeding schedules — bow out. You’re allowed to make choices that protect your heart.
Here’s something you can say if you need to set that boundary:
“I love you and I’m happy for your family, but I’m not in a place where I can be around babies right now. I hope you can understand.”
And if they don’t? That says more about them than it does about you.
How to Plan Ahead for Painful Gatherings
If you decide to go, have a plan.
In my Stillbirth Roadmap Course, I teach a step-by-step strategy for handling situations like this. You get to decide:
Who will be your “exit buddy”?
What will you say if you need to leave early?
How will you excuse yourself from a conversation or space?
Here’s a simple script for dodging a painful conversation:
“I’m working through some stuff right now, so I’m going to step outside for a bit.”
And no — you don’t have to hold anyone’s baby just because they think it’s “good for you.” You get to say no.
Jealousy Is Normal. And It Doesn’t Make You a Bad Person.
Just last week, I felt a pang of jealousy over someone else’s twins — 26 years after losing mine. I was thrilled for them. I had prayed for their safety. But that tiny voice still whispered, “Why does she get her babies, and I didn’t?”
That voice? It’s not wrong. It’s grief. And it’s still allowed to speak.
The difference now is I don’t judge myself for it.
I let it rise, I feel it, and then I remind myself:
This is normal. This is okay. This is grief.
You Can Hold Both: Their Joy and Your Grief
Just because someone else is celebrating doesn’t mean your baby matters less.
You can feel joy for them and sorrow for yourself — at the same time. Life is complicated like that. And it’s okay.
Let me say it clearly:
You can skip the party and still love your family.
You can feel jealous and still be a good person.
You can cry and not apologize.
You are doing the best you can in a situation no one wants to be in.
What to Do After a Triggering Event
After a hard event, your mind might spiral with questions:
“Why did I say that?”
“Why did I cry?”
“I should’ve handled that better…”
Stop.
You don’t need to apologize for surviving something hard.
You don’t need to feel ashamed of your reaction.
You don’t need to judge yourself for being human.
Take a deep breath.
Talk about it.
Let it out.
Keep going.
For more support, register for my FREE workshop Here
