113: When Grief Becomes a Wall: How to Reconnect After Loss with Dr. Kimberly Flemke
When we talk about the pain of stillbirth, we often focus on the individual grief. But what happens to a relationship when both people are grieving — and grieving in completely different ways?
After losing my daughters, I remember looking at my husband and feeling like I didn’t know him anymore. We had shared the same tragedy, but we were walking through it in opposite directions. He was quiet. I needed to talk. He went back to work. I could barely function. And what started as silence between us… slowly turned into resentment.
This week on the podcast, I spoke with Dr. Kimberly Flemke, a licensed couple and family therapist, trauma expert, and energy psychology practitioner who’s been helping couples reconnect for nearly 30 years. And this conversation? It was one I wish I’d had much, much earlier in my grief journey.
We talked about the things no one warns you about — like how grief changes communication, why resentment builds even when you love each other, and how our childhood patterns sneak into conflict when we least expect it.
Here’s what we explored — and what you might need to hear if your relationship feels like a stranger since your baby died.
Grief and Resentment: The Silent Relationship Killer
Dr. Kimberly put it so perfectly:
“Resentment is like a brick wall. And if we don’t start taking the bricks down one by one, we can’t ever feel safe enough to connect again.”
That hit me hard.
So many moms I work with tell me they’re holding resentment toward their partners — not because they don’t care, but because grief feels so unequal.
He didn’t go through the physical pain.
He got to go back to work.
People aren’t watching how he’s grieving.
And when that resentment is unspoken, it festers. You start feeling like you’re carrying everything — the grief, the healing, the remembering — all by yourself.
According to Dr. Kimberly, that’s exactly when emotional safety starts to erode. Without it, vulnerability becomes impossible. And when vulnerability shuts down? So does connection.
When You Grieve Differently
This is one of the biggest pain points for couples after stillbirth.
You might be the one crying every day while your partner distracts themselves. Or maybe you’re the one keeping busy, and your partner is quietly falling apart.
Either way, it feels lonely.
Dr. Kimberly reminded us that grief is one of the most misunderstood dynamics in a relationship — and when we don’t grieve in the same way, we start to personalize it. We start to think:
Why doesn’t he care like I do?
Why can’t we talk about our baby without it turning into an argument?
She suggested something so simple, yet powerful: set up a weekly check-in. Ask each other, “Where are you at this week?”
It’s not about solving anything. It’s about knowing what’s alive inside the other person’s heart.
Childhood Patterns Sneak Into Grief
One of the most eye-opening parts of our conversation was about how we bring our childhood patterns into our adult conflicts.
Dr. Kimberly explained that when we’re emotionally triggered — especially in grief — our rational brain goes offline. We default to the roles, defenses, and habits we learned as kids.
I saw myself so clearly in that.
I do shut down like a hurt teenager when I feel abandoned. And maybe you do too.
But here’s the good news: once we start recognizing those patterns, we can change them.
We can say “timeout” when a conversation is getting heated.
We can breathe and come back to the moment with intention.
We can choose a different response — one that moves us toward our partner instead of away.
Tools That Actually Help: Journaling, Tapping, and EMDR
Dr. Kimberly shared some beautiful tools for releasing pain and guilt, including:
Free writing prompts (like “The reason I hate my partner right now is…”)
Brain dumping to let out the noise in your head
Tapping (EFT) to calm the nervous system
EMDR to process trauma and correct distorted thoughts
She emphasized that EMDR doesn’t erase the grief — and it’s not supposed to — but it can help shift the shame, the blame, and the trauma around your loss so you’re not carrying that on top of the grief.
What About Talking to Your Kids?
We also talked about one of the most tender topics: how to talk to older children about the sibling they never met.
Dr. Kimberly gave such a compassionate take — that without a spiritual or emotional framework, it can feel impossible. But even something simple, like saying “Your brother or sister is waiting for you in heaven,” can give kids a peaceful place to put their love.
And more than anything, she encouraged us not to make our babies a taboo subject. Mentioning them casually — “I wonder what the baby would think about this” — helps our children know that it's safe to remember. That it’s okay to talk. That the baby is still part of our family.
If You’re Wondering When to Get Help
One thing Dr. Kimberly said really stood out:
“If your grief feels stuck, it’s time for support.”
That doesn’t mean something’s wrong with you.
It means you deserve tools and care to help you move through what feels impossible. She also reminded us that the healing timeline is not a straight line. The first year is a wreck. The second year still hurts. And honestly? It keeps unfolding long after that.
But when you feel emotionally paralyzed… when you’re snapping at your partner for things that don’t make sense… when you can’t remember the last time you felt like a team?
That’s your cue. You don’t have to wait until everything falls apart to ask for help.
You Are Still Worthy of Connection
If you feel like you’ve lost your partner along with your baby, you are not alone.
Grief may have changed your relationship — but it doesn’t have to end it.
Whether you’re rebuilding from silence, resentment, or just emotional exhaustion, there is a way back. It won’t be perfect. It won’t be fast. But with the right tools, and a whole lot of grace, it can be real.
I’m so grateful to Dr. Kimberly for sharing her wisdom. And I’m grateful to you for being here — for showing up in the middle of your heartbreak and still wanting something better.
You are not broken. You are deeply, deeply human. And you deserve a relationship that holds you with tenderness and truth.
