Why Remembrance Month Can Feel Like Guilt Month (144)
Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month can feel like a gift and a trigger at the same time. To get through October after stillbirth, decide ahead of time how involved you want to be, limit what reaches you on social media, and remember that how much you take part has nothing to do with how much you love your baby.
It's the first morning of October. You reach for your phone before you're even out of bed, the way we all do. You open Instagram, and there it is. Pink and blue ribbons. Tiny footprints. A mom holding a teddy bear with her baby's name stitched on the sweater.
And you're lying there under the covers feeling two things at once.
Part of you is so grateful. The world is finally saying our babies out loud. For one month, you're not completely invisible. The other part of you wants to throw your phone across the room, because you didn't choose to see any of that right then. Now your heart is pounding, you're back in the hospital room, and it's not even 7 AM.
If that's where you are, I see you. You're not ungrateful, and you're not alone.
Why does October feel so hard after stillbirth?
October is hard because it's loud. For eleven months of the year, most people go quiet about babies who died, and then all at once, reminders of your baby are everywhere.
Most of the year, people change the subject. They skip over your baby's name like it's a crack in the sidewalk. Then October shows up and it's everywhere: hospital photos, ultrasounds, empty nurseries, handprints. It's like sitting in a silent room for a year and then someone cranks the radio to full volume. Even if it's a song you love, it hurts your ears when it's that loud, and you didn't see it coming.
My loss happened in November, so it was almost a year before I lived through my first October. There was no social media back then, so it wasn't in my face the way it is now. But I remember the minute the weather started changing, I could feel it. I could smell it in the air. My loss anniversary was coming, and my mind was full of the same mix you might be feeling right now: grateful, and triggered by what I'd been through.
So if October feels like it's being shoved down your throat, you're not being dramatic. Your body is reacting to reminders of the hardest thing that's ever happened to you.
When remembrance month turns into guilt month
When everyone is posting, you start keeping track. One mom is doing a 31-day photo challenge. Another organized a memorial walk with matching T-shirts. Someone else named a star after their baby and posted a video set to music that has thousands of likes.
And then there's you. Maybe you haven't posted a thing. Maybe you typed something, deleted it three times, and gave up.
That's when the voice shows up. You know the one. Everyone else is doing something meaningful and I can't even get one post up. If I really loved my baby, I'd be doing more. Everyone's going to think I forgot.
I know that voice all too well. Nobody means for October to become a guilt month. But when the whole world shines a spotlight on grief, it's easy to start measuring yours against everyone else's.
So hear me on this. Your love for your baby doesn't get counted in posts or T-shirts or likes. It doesn't depend on whether you said their name out loud at 7 PM on the 15th. It was there in September, and it will be there on November 1st and every day after that.
Decide what kind of October you want
If you don't decide, October decides for you. You spend the month reacting to whatever lands in your feed, whatever your aunt texts you, and whatever event someone invites you to.
When you decide ahead of time, you're the one in charge, and you can change your mind whenever you need to. I like to think about it as three lanes. None of them is better than the others.
Lane one is all in. She's going to the walk, lighting a candle, and posting her baby's name. For her, October is a relief, the one month nobody gives her a funny look for talking about her baby.
Lane two is on the sidelines. She might light a candle on the 15th but not post about it. Maybe she goes to one event, but not five, or does something private, like writing her baby's name somewhere.
Lane three is sitting it out. This mom is saying, "I can't do this month. Not this year. Maybe not ever." She's skipping the walk and the candle, and she's staying off social media.
If you're in lane three, I want to say this slowly. You do not have to do one single thing this month. Sitting it out doesn't mean you've stopped honoring your baby. You love your baby every bit as much as the mom in lane one. Right now, this month hurts too much, and you're allowed to protect your heart.
You don't need anyone's permission to pick a lane. Not your partner's, not your mom's, not your support group's. It's your baby and your grief. You can switch lanes halfway through the month, too. Changing your mind means you're paying attention to yourself.
How do you choose your lane?
Ask yourself one question: "When I picture the next few weeks, what would help me feel close to my baby without making me feel worse?"
Leave out what everyone else is doing and notice what comes up. You might get "I don't know, I want to hide." That's an answer too. It might mean lane three for now, and that's okay.
How can you protect your heart on social media in October?
Mute accounts, hide trigger words, set a time limit, or take the app off your phone until November. Your phone is where October shows up the most, so it's the easiest place to make a small change that helps.
If what you're seeing is making you feel worse, you have my full permission to limit it. I know some of you just felt a twinge of guilt. But these are other loss moms sharing their babies. Shouldn't I support them? You can care about other moms and still protect yourself. If every time you open your phone it feels like a punch in the stomach, your cup is going to empty fast.
Most apps let you snooze an account for 30 days, and nobody knows. Some let you hide posts with words like "wave of light" until November. Check once a day at a time you feel steady. Or delete the app for the month.
If you're all in, bring someone with you
If you're going to the memorial walk, ask your partner, your sister, or your best friend to walk it with you. If you're lighting a candle on the 15th, ask someone to light one too, even from their own house, and text you a picture.
These events stir up a lot, and it helps to have a hand to hold. There's a second reason too. Most people in your life don't know what to do with your grief. They're scared of saying the wrong thing, so they say nothing, and you feel like they've forgotten. When you say, "There's a walk for babies like mine on Saturday. Will you come with me?" you're handing them a way in. Most people are so relieved to finally have something they can do. And when they say your baby's name with you, your baby becomes a little more real to them.
If you're sitting it out, switch the guilty thoughts
Guilt will try to sneak in. Maybe at 6:58 PM on the 15th, when everyone is getting their candles ready.
This is where I use thought switching with my clients. You notice the painful thought instead of shoving it away, ask what's true, and choose a kinder thought that's still true but easier to hold.
If the thought is "If I don't do anything this month, I'm not honoring my baby," try "My love for my baby doesn't need a date on the calendar." Or "I honor my baby every day in ways nobody else sees." Because you do. When you say their name in your head, touch that necklace, think about them on the drive to work, or tell your other kids about their sibling, all of that counts.
If the thought is "Everyone is going to think I forgot," try "I know I didn't forget, and that's what matters." Or "Taking care of myself this month is a way of loving my baby's mom." You are your baby's mom forever.
You don't have to argue with the guilt. Notice it, say "Oh, yep, there you are," and reach for your new thought. Put it on a sticky note. Those small changes take the edge off.
Looking ahead to the holidays
October is only the beginning. Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year's all come right after it, one after another. While you're making your October plan, take a few minutes to look at the next three months too. Write down the days you already know will be hard, and ask your question for each one: all in, sidelines, or sitting it out?
When you see them coming, they're less likely to catch you off guard.
Common questions about October after stillbirth
When is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day?
October 15th. That evening, families around the world light a candle at 7 PM in their own time zone for the Wave of Light.
Is it okay to skip Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month?
Yes. Sitting October out doesn't mean you've forgotten your baby. It means this month hurts right now, and you're allowed to protect your heart.
You don't have to do October alone
You're doing so much better than you think you are.
If you'd like some company through October and the months that follow, I'd love for you to come into the Always Loved Club. It's our monthly membership for moms after stillbirth, a place where you can talk about your baby as much as you want and nobody flinches. Inside, there's a mini training on getting through October and the holiday season after loss, and you'll have access to it right away, along with a community of moms who know what this month feels like.
You can find it at navigatingbabyloss.com/club. No pressure at all. The door is open whenever you're ready.
And if you do nothing else this month, give yourself permission to do October your way.
About Jennifer
Jennifer Senn is a certified life coach, NLP practitioner, and stillbirth mom coach. After losing her twin daughters to stillbirth at 32 weeks, she created Navigating Baby Loss to help moms keep their babies close while finding their way back to a life that feels bearable, and even hopeful again. She hosts the Navigating Baby Loss podcast and leads the Always Loved Club, a monthly membership for moms after stillbirth.
