How to Handle Gender Disappointment After Baby Loss (146)

Gender disappointment after loss is the sadness or letdown you feel when your next baby's gender isn't the one you were hoping for, after a stillbirth or pregnancy loss. It's common, it doesn't make you ungrateful, and it usually comes from missing the baby who died and the future you planned with them.

Maybe it was a quiet "oh" in your head at the ultrasound. Maybe it was tears in the car on the way home, or a knot in your stomach you couldn't explain to anyone. Not even your partner.

And right behind that feeling, almost instantly, came the guilt.

Because you know what you're supposed to say. "As long as the baby's healthy." And you mean it with every single part of you. After what you've been through, you know better than almost anyone how much that sentence means. But there's another layer underneath it, and that's what I want to talk about.

Moms bring this up with me all the time, almost always like they're confessing something terrible: "I know this sounds so ungrateful, but..."

If you've ever started a sentence that way, I want you to hear this first. You are not ungrateful. You are not a bad mom. And you are not the only one. Not even close.

My own story with gender disappointment

I lost my twin daughters at 32 weeks. Before my girls, I already had two boys. I loved being a boy mom. It was my world. But I'm a girly girl, and I dreamed of having a daughter to dress up. My twins were going to be the grand finale to our family.

I never found out the gender with my earlier pregnancies. But after my loss, I decided to find out. Looking back, part of me was preparing for gender disappointment before I had a name for it. This was my last pregnancy, and if it was another boy, I wanted months to sit with that.

It was a girl. I was so relieved, and my whole family breathed a sigh of relief right along with me.

Then something else showed up. It was just one baby.

I had already dreamed of double graduations and double weddings and double everything for my twin girls. And then I felt guilty. How could I be so superficial? I had a healthy baby, and she was a girl. What more could I want?

But I was also grieving the experience of raising twins. Nobody talked about that back then, and I thought I was the only mom who had ever felt this way. It turns out I wasn't, and neither are you.

What is gender disappointment after loss?

It's the letdown you feel when your next baby's gender isn't what you hoped for, made heavier by grief for the baby you lost.

Plenty of moms who have never lost a baby feel it too. After a loss, it has more layers.

Why does gender disappointment feel heavier after a stillbirth?

After a stillbirth, the picture in your head came with a real baby, so a different gender can feel like losing that future again.

If you lost a daughter, you had a daughter. If you lost a son, you had a son. You held your baby. You might have their footprints, a blanket, their hospital bracelet. You named them. You love them. And you had a whole future planned for them that you never got to live.

So when you find out the next baby is a different gender, it can feel like a door closing. Like a quiet confirmation that you might never get to live that future.

That's why I want you to see this feeling for what it is. Gender disappointment after loss comes from the baby you lost. It's still grief. It just looks different. And once you see it that way, some of that shame starts to loosen up.

Why do I feel so guilty about it?

After loss, anything less than total gratitude can feel wrong, even dangerous, so guilt shows up fast.

You don't get to be innocent about pregnancy anymore. And I hear three kinds of guilt show up around this feeling, sometimes all at once.

The first is guilt toward the new baby. What kind of mom feels disappointed about her own child? You worry this baby will somehow feel it, that you won't bond, that you'll love them less.

The second is guilt toward the baby you lost. This one is sneaky. You think, "I'm upset about a gender when my baby didn't even get to live." That makes the feeling seem small and selfish. I understand why. But it isn't either one.

The third is the fear that's hard to even say out loud. The fear that you're tempting fate. If I'm not grateful enough, will something happen to this baby too?

If you've ever had that thought, hear me. Your feelings do not have that kind of power. Being disappointed will not cause anything to happen to your baby. Feelings are not punishments, and they are not bargains. You can feel disappointed and still be the safest, most loving place in the world for this child.

What if the new baby is the same gender as the baby I lost?

You might feel relief, then guilt for the relief, plus a fear of comparing. All of it is normal.

People assume this is the happy version, but for a lot of moms it doesn't feel that simple. You might worry you'll look at this baby and see the one you lost, or wonder every day who your first baby would have been at this age. You might even feel a strange loyalty, like being your girl was her thing, and now someone else is taking her place.

These two babies aren't competing for one spot. There isn't a one-daughter slot in your family. The baby you lost will always be your baby. The new baby will always be their own little person.

And if you were secretly hoping for the same gender, that's okay too. Wanting to raise a daughter again doesn't mean this new baby is a stand-in for the daughter you lost. It means you still want to be a mom to a girl here, in your everyday life. No baby can ever replace another. You already know that.

How do I tell my partner what I'm feeling?

Start with what you're grateful for, then name the sadness, so your partner can listen instead of fix.

Your partner might feel completely different about this than you do. They might be over the moon. They might not understand why you're upset. Or they might feel the exact same thing and not dare to say it.

If you can, try this simple line: "I'm so happy about this baby, and I'm also sad about something. Can I tell you about it?"

Three ways to make gender disappointment feel lighter

These are the three things I walk through with my clients most often. They aren't big or complicated, and you don't need anything to try them.

1. Let both things be true. You can be grateful and disappointed at the same time. You don't have to talk yourself out of it or pretend it isn't there. It's there for a reason. You loved your baby and the life you were going to have with them. And you can also be hopeful.

2. Finish the sentence, and use "and." When the disappointment shows up, finish this sentence in your head: "I'm sad that I won't get to ___." Use the real thing, not the polite version. "I'm sad I won't get to braid a little girl's hair." "I'm sad I won't get to see my son go fishing with his dad." Then add one more sentence that starts with "and." "And I'm grateful that this baby is growing. And I'm grateful I get to meet them."

Why "and" instead of "but"? Because "but" erases what comes before it. "I'm sad, but I'm grateful" tells your brain the sad part doesn't count. "I'm sad, and I'm grateful" lets them both be true. That tiny word makes a big difference.

3. Remind yourself this baby belongs in your family. I'm not saying everything happens for a reason. I'm saying the baby who is coming, or who is already here, belongs in your family exactly as they are, whatever gender they arrive as.

You are already their mom

Whatever gender your baby was, you are their mom. Whatever gender comes next, you will never stop being their mom. You do have a daughter. You do have a son. And you always will.

You don't get to raise them, and that's the heartbreaking truth. It's the hardest part of this whole thing. But it doesn't change the fact that they are yours, and no one can take that away from you.

Common questions about gender disappointment after loss

Is gender disappointment after a stillbirth normal? Yes. Many moms feel it, and most never say it out loud because they're afraid of sounding ungrateful. After a loss, it's often grief for the baby who died.

Does gender disappointment mean I won't love my baby? No. Your disappointment does not mean you won't love the baby who's coming or the one who's already here. You can feel sad and still love this baby completely.

Is wanting the same gender as the baby I lost trying to replace them? No. Wanting to raise a daughter or son again means you still want that part of motherhood in your everyday life. No baby can replace another.

You don't have to whisper this alone

Gender disappointment after loss comes from missing the baby who isn't here and the life you were supposed to live with them. You can grieve that and be grateful at the same time.

If you're tired of whispering the things you're afraid will make people look at you differently, I'd love for you to come into the Always Loved Club. It's my monthly membership for moms after baby loss, $27 a month, and we just had a call on this exact topic. You get real coaching on what you're struggling with, alongside moms who get it. Nobody there will tell you to be grateful and move on. You can say it out loud, and someone will say, "Me too."

You can find all the details at navigatingbabyloss.com/club. No pressure at all. The door is open whenever you're ready.

About Jennifer

Jennifer Senn is a certified life coach, NLP practitioner, and stillbirth mom coach. After losing her twin daughters to stillbirth at 32 weeks, she created Navigating Baby Loss to help moms keep their babies close while finding their way back to a life that feels bearable, and even hopeful again. She hosts the Navigating Baby Loss podcast.