75: Couples and Grief: Insights from Couples Therapist Katie Rössler
Grief is a complex journey that affects not only individuals but also the relationships they hold dear. In a recent interview, therapist Katie Röessler shared valuable insights on how grief, especially from pregnancy loss and infertility, can impact couples and how they can navigate this challenging terrain together.
The Long-Term Impact of Grief on Relationships
One of the most striking revelations from the interview is how grief can continue to affect relationships years after the initial loss. Katie noted that even 15-20 years later, couples might still be grappling with unresolved issues stemming from their grief experience. This manifests in various ways:
Resentment: One partner may harbor resentment towards the other for how they grieved (or appeared not to grieve).
Feeling unsupported: The sense of not being able to depend on one's partner during a crisis can linger for years.
Unspoken pain: Many couples avoid discussing their grief, leading to an "elephant in the room" that affects their relationship dynamics.
Starting the Conversation
Katie emphasizes the importance of open communication but acknowledges that initiating these conversations can be challenging. She offers some practical advice:
Don't ambush your partner with a sudden "We need to talk."
Use a familiar communication method (e.g., text or chat) to suggest a conversation.
Own your feelings and actions without blaming your partner.
Be prepared to listen without interrupting or correcting.
A possible conversation starter might look like this: "I need to be honest with you. I've realized I harbor resentment from our past losses, and it's affecting how I treat you today. I'd like to talk about it when you're ready."
Navigating Grief Together
Katie highlights several key points for couples navigating grief:
Recognize that grief is individual: Partners may grieve differently, and that's okay.
Seek support outside the relationship: Your partner can't always be your rock.
Allow for solitude in grief: It's normal to need time alone to process.
Be patient: Grief can resurface years later, triggered by various life events.
Professional Help and Resources
Sometimes, couples need professional support to navigate their grief and its impact on their relationship. Ressler mentions several resources:
Couple's therapy or counseling
Support groups
Books on grief and healing (e.g., "The New Face of Grief" by Katie Ressler)
Relationship assessments (e.g., the Level 10 Relationship Assessment)
The Power of Gratitude
Interestingly, Katie suggests that cultivating gratitude can be a powerful tool for healing relationships strained by grief. She recommends:
Daily gratitude practice: Share one thing you're grateful for about your partner each day.
Express appreciation for who they are, not just what they do.
Grief, especially from pregnancy loss and infertility, can have a profound and lasting impact on relationships. However, with open communication, mutual understanding, and sometimes professional support, couples can navigate this challenging terrain together. Remember, it's never too late to address unresolved grief and work towards healing – both individually and as a couple.
Find out more about Katie here-
Instagram- https://www.instagram.com/katie.rossler/
Website- https://katierossler.com/
Relationship Assessment- https://katierossler.com/relationship-as
