How to Cope When Family Doesn’t Get Your Grief After Stillbirth
The pain of losing a baby is more than emotional, it changes everything. And for so many stillbirth moms, one of the hardest parts isn't just the grief itself… it's the way the people closest to us respond to it.
Lately, I’ve been hearing from a lot of moms who are struggling through the holiday season. They're carrying the heavy weight of grief, while their friends and family expect them to be cheerful and “back to normal.”
If that’s you, I want you to know: I see you. I’ve lived this too.
That First Christmas Without My Daughters
When my twins were stillborn at 32 weeks, it was November. Christmas came just a few weeks later. I had two living children. Two little boys who were five and two at the time, and I was doing everything I could to pull myself together for them. To give them some kind of holiday magic when my whole world had shattered.
But I was still in shock. Everything reminded me of what should’ve been. I was grieving the babies who weren’t there, the dreams that had vanished.
And I’ll never forget my husband, trying to help, said,
“Try to focus on the positive.”
He meant well. He loved me. But his words stung.
Because in that moment, I didn’t need a silver lining, I needed space to grieve.
When Love Hurts
The people who love us often say the wrong thing.
Not because they don’t care, but because they’re uncomfortable with pain. They want to fix it. They want us to be okay again. But comments like:
“At least you can try again.”
“Everything happens for a reason.”
“Focus on the positive.”
…don’t heal. They hurt. They bypass the pain instead of witnessing it.
And when you're grieving your baby, especially during a time when joy is expected, like holidays or milestones it can feel like you're the only one still carrying the weight.
Gratitude Doesn’t Cancel Grief
There was never a moment I wasn’t grateful for my living children.
But gratitude doesn’t erase grief.
You can be thankful and heartbroken at the same time.
What I needed in those early days wasn’t logic. It wasn’t medical explanations. It wasn’t forced positivity.
I needed someone to say:
“I see how much this hurts. I’m here. Tell me about your baby.”
You Are Not Too Sensitive
If you’ve been told to move on, or cheer up, or stop being “so emotional”…
Please hear this:
You are not too sensitive.
You are not doing grief wrong.
Your baby’s life mattered. And your grief deserves to be seen, not silenced.
When Loved Ones Don’t Get It
It’s okay to grieve people who disappoint you.
Sometimes, baby loss reveals who’s safe, and who’s not.
It’s not just the loss of your baby… it’s the loss of certain relationships. The loss of the belief that others would always show up for you.
It’s heartbreaking, but it’s also clarifying. And you get to protect your heart.
What You Can Say When People Say the Wrong Thing
When someone says something that hurts intentionally or not, you don’t owe them emotional labor.
Here are some simple, loving boundary scripts you can use:
To Your Partner:
“I need you to acknowledge our baby especially during the holidays. When you don’t, I feel even more alone.”
To Your Family:
“I know you want me to be okay. But when you say things like ‘move on,’ it makes me feel like my baby didn’t matter. What I really need is for you to say their name.”
To a Friend Who’s Pregnant:
“I’m happy for you, but I’m also hurting. I need some space right now to take care of my heart.”
And the simplest, most powerful script of all:
“I’m not discussing this right now.”
That’s a complete sentence. And you don’t owe more.
Boundaries Are Protection, Not Punishment
You don’t have to attend every event.
You don’t have to explain your sadness.
You don’t have to smile through pain to make others comfortable.
Keep your circle small. Be strategic about who gets access to your tenderness.
It’s okay if some strangers feel safer than your own family.
It’s okay to say no.
It’s okay to take care of you.
What If You’re Both Grieving Differently?
If you and your partner are struggling to understand each other, know this is so common.
Try this:
Create a signal for “I need support” vs. “I need space.”
Set intentional time to talk about your baby together.
Let each other grieve differently, without judgment.
You’re both hurting, but that doesn’t mean you’re broken.
You can rebuild closeness even in the middle of pain.
Your Baby’s Memory Deserves a Place at the Table
One mom I worked with had a mother-in-law who asked, “When are you going to give us a grandchild?”
She already had.
Another mom’s partner shut down every time she tried to say their baby’s name.
These moments are so deeply painful.
But they’re not a reflection of your worth.
And they’re not a reason to stay silent.
You Deserve Support That Helps, Not Hurts
Grief isn’t a problem to fix. It’s love that has nowhere to go.
But you can find people who get it.
You can find support that honors your baby’s life and helps you heal.
If you’re ready for that, I’d love to invite you to my free workshop:
👉 www.navigatingbabyloss.com/workshop
Even if the date has passed, the next one will always be there.
We’ll talk about relationships, self-trust, and how to find peace without “moving on.”
Your Love Is Forever
You are not broken.
You are not failing at grief.
You are a mother—carrying love and sorrow in the same breath.
Let that be enough.
Your baby mattered.
Your grief matters.
And you are not alone.
